What does Cancer Look like?

Yesterday I had some fence time with my neighbors.  I had noticed that they hadn't been around in a while and asked if they had been traveling.  No, he replied, my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and we have been going to the doctors.  Of course, I could sympathize with them. It's funny how you really don't talk to you neighbors about "the big stuff" usually.

We have lived next door to each other for six and a half years.  They knew that I had cancer the last few years (they watched as the church kids built me a deck for easy access to the backyard).  But as we stood there talking, I told them that I, too, had breast cancer 9 years ago.  I think that scared her a bit.  She was sure that once she had the cancer removed and did the radiation treatment, she could close that book.  I explained that mine had begun as breast cancer, but that it metastasized in 2010 in the bones, but that it is still breast cancer.  People don't usually understand that unless they have been through either themselves or with a family member or close friend.

They asked lots of questions which I answered as best as I could.  When they asked if I had chemo, I explained that I had chemo in 2003 with the original diagnosis, but that now I was on an oral chemo that I will continue to take as long as it works. I got the usual response "wow, you look great."

It got me thinking about what folks usually expect to see someone look like when they hear that someone has cancer.  When people meet me for the first time they don't know that I have cancer.  They are shocked and I get the "wow, you look great" comment.  What does that mean?  Do I look great? or do I look great for someone with cancer?  Except for a slight limp (from my hip surgery) there isn't any reason someone seeing me for the first time would even imagine that I have cancer.

So what does cancer look like?  Having spent A LOT of time in the infusion room at Texas Oncology, I can tell you that cancer looks like just about anything.  A mother of small kids, a teenager, an old man, a recent retiree.  The faces would surprise you.  It doesn't look like the stereotypical picture of a person looking drawn and dying in a hospital bed.  It looks like the person in the mirror.

Finding my Purpose

So what is my purpose?  I am taking a Disciple Bible Study class this year.  I have really enjoyed getting into the Bible, but keep waking up wondering what is God's Purpose for me.

Do I have purpose, certainly.  I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend.  I have a loving husband, two wonderful daughters that I am extremely proud of, both of my parents (thankfully) are still alive and live close (but not too close), and have been working on several really great friendships the last year.

I am also a cancer survivor/patient.  I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer almost 10 years ago and was diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer (MBC) about 2 1/2 years ago.  With the latest diagnosis, my physical abilities have been limited with the MBC in my bones. So as a cancer patient, I am re-evaluating my purpose, specifically God's purpose for me.

Having been studying the bible lately through the Disciples course, I am wondering what God has in store for me with the MBC diagnosis and the purpose that He has for me and those around me.  I try to stay positive and know that it is in God's hands, but I also recognize that I can't sit idly by and wait for a burning bush to speak to me.

So I am seeking out my burning bush.  I have found that I really don't have any hobbies.  So I am in search of a hobby that I can do with my limited mobility (i.e. hiking and camping are out of the question, but swimming is an option).  I like to read, but have been having issues with blurry vision lately, so that makes reading (and writing a blog) difficult.  Hopefully I have figured out the blurry vision problem and have a solution and that will change my outlook (pun intended).

So in seeking my burning bush, I am exploring different ideas, with the help of my husband, to give me some purpose.
1)Write a book - hmmmm - maybe, but that seems to be what EVERYBODY does, and will I have something more interesting than the latest book out there?
2)A pictorial book - this one has been nudging me lately, but I'm not a trained photographer.  The idea in my head is a little scary.  Would anyone be interested in it and would anyone want to participate and have their picture and story in the book.
3)A blog and perhaps consulting business for handicap accessible/friendly businesses.  This one strikes kind of close to home as I spent several weeks in a wheelchair, about a year using a walker and several months using a cane.  I still walk with a slight limp (some days more than others).  My husband and I have been disappointed with several businesses who do not really consider the ability to serve limited mobility people.  While others are very helpful.  I'm not talking about those that meet the ADA building requirements, but those that either choose to or choose not to serve limited mobility people.

These are some of the ideas floating around in my head.  Not sure yet if one of these is my burning bush or the bush is still out there waiting for me to find it.  But now, at least I am looking with eyes open to try and find it.

What is My Dream - or better yet, My Purpose

I keep hearing "You should write a book".  Most of my English teachers would laugh at that.  I wasn't a bad student, got mostly A's in English, but it just wasn't my thing.  Now that I don't have a full time job, I keep trying to figure out something to fill my time.  Do what you love, I hear.  Buy what is that.  I don't really have any hobbies, I'm not physically able to do some of the things I used to, due to metastatic breast cancer.  I have no idea how to figure out "what I love".  I love watching and reading mysteries.  In fact, I usually can figure out the "whodunnit" before anyone else in the family (which drives them crazy).  So the family says I should write mysteries.  I don't know the first thing about writing a mystery and I've never thought of myself as very creative.  I like puzzles - jigsaw puzzles, mysteries, any kind of puzzle.  How do you fill your time with that?  I never thought I had ADD before, but now that I have all this time on my hands, maybe I do.  The idea of sitting down all day and doing puzzles isn't appealing to me, I get bored too easily.  Obviously, that is not what is meant by do what you love.

My husband and I are partners (with 2 other relatives) in a business.  He loves what he does (most of the time) and I went along for the ride.  Now that I am reevaluating things, I do not love what I was doing.  In fact I found it to be very stressful (how many of you could work with your spouse and your mother in law for 6 plus years and still love what you do?).  I an a Certified Public Accountant by trade.  Honestly, that is very boring to me at this stage of my life.

So what do I WANT TO DO? My sister in law figured out what she wanted to be over the last 2 years.  She and her husband are now the proud owners of The Ant Street Inn.  A quaint boutique hotel in Brenham, Texas.  Some of the things that come along with being the boss she has had to adjust to, but overall I think she is enjoying it.

I have 2 kids, 1 of which will be going off to college this fall.  That will leave only 1 at home and she has an active social life. Between school and friends she stays very busy.  So I look to the future and realize that my kids will be going off to pursue their dreams, my husband is pursuing his dream, and I'm standing on the sidelines wondering what my dream is.  Or even if I have a dream.